Everything had become muddled, fuzzy and vague, I was doing what so many others were doing, I wasn't special and they were probably doing it better and more professionally than me. So why bother? I walked away and just turned up for work of a day to earn the pennies. In a weird way there was a relief to begin with, all I had to do was go to my job and get paid, then leave the building. Simple. For a while I had nothing to really worry about, I could do my job adequately enough and go home with no worries or baggage and sleep soundly.
It is shocking, giving up on a dream you have been pursuing for years, very shocking! It is immensely difficult to walk away. As I had done, you had probably spent years committed to this dream, making sacrifices and explaining to those who perhaps don't understand why you are doing this, defending your corner. However, commitment and persistence can descend into bloody mindedness so easily it's almost indistinguishable. Sometimes you actually have to let go, walk away and free yourself. The big question is how do you know it is time to abandon your dream and walk away? For me there were 6 signs that it was time to distance myself from the 'Big Dream'.
1) The first one I noticed was that I was furiously collating and amassing huge amounts of information, bookmarks, videos and workshops and not going through any of them. They got stored and left unwatched for some fictional 'later'.
2) All I was doing was developing plans and never actually applying them or acting upon them. I could easily get lost in the planning, I loved it, but actions would fizzle out rapidly.
3) I forgot why I started and equally couldn't quite visualise the outcome I was aiming for. That was suspiciously vague! I was still trapped in the planning, which felt like working but was achieving nothing in real terms.
4) I no longer felt I was experiencing something unique and exciting and would compare myself unfavourably with my contemporaries, who were obviously doing things better than I was and had been established for years.
5) If you imagine NOT doing this each day, is there a certain amount of relief, or pressure released at the thought?
6) Being honest with yourself, is what's keeping you going the actual amount of time, commitment and dedication you have already invested in your dream rather than reaching your goal and finding success?
If these points seem a little familiar, it's time to be brave and reassess what in heck you are actually doing. It seems impossible at the moment to find any energy to make the change in your life, especially from deep down in the rut you are in. However, one thing is certain in life, and it is that change happens whether you like it or not. You may as well have a guiding hand in it right? Oooh, and where do you even start? And what happens next when you have to face that void that used to be your dreams? How frightening things become when you allow your innermost fears take over? We are definitely more cruel to ourselves than any other! Well, hopefully I can hold your hand a little and share a few things that have happened to me to chase those negative fears back into the shadows and help you exercise a little control over your destiny.
As we have established I am ruddy good at planning, to the death! So of course I made a little plan. The difference is I made a simple one that was not inspirational and challenging, it was a plan I was likely to follow because I wanted to!
First of all you really need to take a long break to take care of yourself. I mean it! Mentally and spiritually, you need to cleanse your mind and literally empty it all out, good, bad and indifferent. Serious reboot here lads and ladies! For me it was yoga, particularly gently flows of self care and stress relief, but it should be gentle and loving yoga. You can do this from home like me, as you are more likely to just dip into it, and find someone online you can really connect with. I promise, you'll be spoiled for choice! Follow this ritually by meditating, it is easy to find lots of channels on YouTube dedicated to soothing and repairing your soul, through healing music to guided meditation. Then you can move on to manifestation or visualisation, allowing your mind to clearly tap into what you really want in your life. Incorporate this into your life and you will find a method that works for you, to release, clarify and pursue.
Once you have achieved this, congratulate yourself and appreciate the hard work you put into your previous dream. Realise it was not wasted time but a learning curve you can reapply now. Do not trivialise the efforts you went to or call them a mistake, you were meant o go through this, and you did a good job!
Now you have to be clear, it is never too late to change your mind, start again, embark on a radically new life or choose a completely different direction, and truly absorb that fact. This is necessary if you are to find the life you want. All of these previous steps should help you find a little clarity and purpose, it will emerge naturally. This is how you take time to figure out what you want and why you want it. But this is important, don't be afraid if some of these reasons are not as altruistic or as spiritual as you would like, it really could be you think you would like to be paid a lot more than you currently are, and that you deserve it, we all have bills to pay and mouths to feed! It could be you want to get rid of your debts or want to move to somewhere a little more peaceful, grab those reasons and let them motivate you, who needs woo woo!
Now here's the tricky bit, well it was for me, 'Li'l Miss Planner 2018'. You identify a very basic plan that allows you just to get started! It must be simple steps only, something that will get you moved forward one single place. Do not overwhelm yourself again with information and clog up your computer's memory like last time, 'cos you know that's what you did! Admit it :) Then you have to be careful to identify exactly what you need to know for this stage and this stage alone. You only need to know how to achieve this single goal, not the other way around and accumulate for later, that is surely the road to ruin!
Basically you sometimes have to give up and walk away from the table completely. It is hard to know when that time comes but hopefully these little offerings of mine will guide you a little to know if it's time for you too. It is not really quitting if you go through the proper analysis and self care, you are having the guts to recognise what is not working without denigrating the work you have already put in, then course correcting. Life is not written in stone, it's all about the active experience! Make the change, even a tiny one.